Why it's important to think about emergency and end-of-life planning

As difficult as it is to think about all the "what if" scenarios for your family...what if one of us gets sick, what if one of us gets injured, what if one of us dies...it's oh so much more difficult to have to figure out tons of logistics in the midst of an emergency or when you are overcome with grief and emotion.

How much easier it would be if all those logistics were just written down for you in a handy workbook!

If you're the one who is expected to handle everything, you'd know right where to find important files and documents, you'd have all the passwords you need, you can figure out what to do about the dog or the house alarm, you'd know what bills need to be paid and where the spare keys are...not to mention all the details that go into someone's medical care, legal obligations, and wishes for final arrangements.

We listed out over 150 things in the Caring Is Not Enough workbook that need to be dealt with in the event of a "what if" scenario, to make it easier for families to be prepared. We'd like to share several comments from people who have bought and used the workbook. We hope their stories will help you think about your own story.

My husband died suddenly a few years ago, and the only thing he had done was to name me as a beneficiary on his IRA. I am a cancer survivor, so I put together an advanced healthcare directive and provided formal instructions for the care of my minor children. I find your guidance helpful in completing my remaining tasks. It's so overwhelming to lose someone - I don't want my sons to have the headaches of the logistics of a loved one dying.

My husband and I are very lax and big procrastinators. Your book makes the work easier to present to my husband.

I am getting remarried and this book will make everything so much easier for our children.

After losing my mom and dad within two years, what a mess! I do not want my children to go through what we had to.

I'm going on 85 and my kids would go crazy looking for any of my records. Thank you for making me wake up.

I've been thinking about organizing my papers and making final arrangements. I'm only 52 years old, but my parents made their wishes known and were very organized. It really helped us when they died, it's such an emotional time anyway.

As a fellow nurse, I work in hospice care and every day I see how quickly death can create chaos for the living.

I just returned from 10 days of emptying and sorting through my in-law's home of 30 years. Pictures with no names or dates, checks from over 20 years ago, receipts for fine jewelry that nobody knows anything about. I am not putting my daughters through that.

Though my parents are alive, their march toward 90-years-old is quickening and I am finding it to be a great challenge to make sense of their financial situation while they are still around to answer my questions.

I am in a mess since my husband had a major stroke over a year ago and I was left in the dark about almost everything. He is 77 and I am 76 and in very bad health myself - I need all the help I can get.

When my mother passed away, my sister and I searched for three days before we found her will. I don't want my children to have to do that!

Last year, my 49-year-old healthy husband died suddenly of a heart attack. I have 4 children living at home and every day I tell myself I have to get things in order. I don't want them to go through what I am having to do.

The benefits of dogs

This week we have added a member to our family. Well not really, she is just visiting, but we have learned to really love her.

She is an eight year-old Goldendoodle named Ollie. When our son asked us to take care of Ollie the first time, it was only for a couple of days, which was nice. This time it is for ten days and I am really beginning to feel she is a part of our lives.

Ollie is big. She's at least 75 pounds which means she's almost always underfoot and she follows me into the kitchen each time I go there. And it is not a big kitchen!

The great part though, is that Ollie is not a nuisance and she loves to be loved. She gallops over to sit by me on the couch, and with one giant hop, the couch is taken over. She snuggles up and feels warm next to me.

Ollie has given my husband a whole new job, almost six years after retirement. He now walks the dog at the local reservoir, meets new dog owners and their pups, and picks up her doggie business. He happily brushes and feeds and waters the dog...no problems there. Ollie sleeps soundly all night, but having her sleep on the bed...oy!

When we wake up, we think Ollie. Throughout the day, we think Ollie. When we go to bed, we think Ollie. What will keep us occupied when Ollie goes back home?

I am not sure, but I do know one thing. I love other people's dogs, especially Ollie. We will miss her when this dog-sitting stretch is over. Do you have a dog?

Getting organized: Make the most of small spaces

Don't throw the cabinet out with the curios...if you have grown weary of looking at your collection of shot glasses or figurines, think twice about how you can re-use the display cabinet before you pack everything up.

Narrow-depth shelves and cabinets are really handy for organizing lots of small items from office supplies to seasonings to cosmetics. Whether it's wall-mounted or freestanding, a shelf unit that's less than 8" deep fits just about anywhere. A friend gave me this 5-feet tall narrow black cabinet from Ikea that originally had a glass door, designed to hang on the wall. It's only 1-foot wide and 6" deep, which meant I could put it right next to the doorway of my studio without blocking the entrance into the room.

I took off the glass door, set the unit on the floor, and secured it to the wall. It holds all my paints and other art supplies and now it's so easy to see every color and type of paint I have on hand. And by the way, the glass door has a really nice black wood frame, giving it tons of potential for being altered and turned into an art piece.

There are so many skinny spaces in the home - near a door, in a hallway, between two windows, over the commode - where you can create a little extra storage and make things much more convenient to access.

Think outside the box a bit, and you can find the perfect shelving for any space. In addition to curio cabinets, the shelf units at the office supply store are among the narrowest I've seen. The wall-mounted display shelves in the bathroom aisle of the home improvement store are great, too. Who says they have to be used only in the bathroom?

Baseball is a metaphor for life

For the past 46 years, I have been in a "mixed" marriage. 

When I first met my husband, he was wearing a tee shirt that said "Boston Red Sox World Series Champs—1918." I showed him my Mickey Mantle scrapbook and we decided that it was love at first pitch. Right. Then came June, September and October. Baseball was up front and personal.  We had two boys, both of whom played baseball. We tried to teach them that baseball was an "in the moment" game. 1986 brought the Red Sox to the World Series and Bill Buckner went into the record books in the 6th game and the NY Mets won in the 7th game. Pain. I think it was then that my Red Sox rooter finally gave up...until 2004 when his beloved team won the World Series. 

Meanwhile, I began to understand that baseball really is a metaphor for life. It is a game that requires each player to realize that they must be present and in the moment at all times. Each play is unlike the ones before. Each player is at bat only for right then and there. 

Here are some quotes that really resonated with me, from some folks in an online forum discussion several years ago on The Bark Board at Fresno State College, about baseball being a metaphor for life:

It's not always fair, get over it...there's a bit of chance involved. Embrace the idea that not everything is in your control. Dwelling on yesterday's success or failure only distracts you from today’s purpose, so let the past go. Your most important asset is an absolutely unshakable belief in yourself. There’s no pre-determined time limit, the game’s not over until the final out, and until then ANYTHING is possible, so don’t ever give up.   

You can strike out, yet still hustle your way on base and help your team. Very small things can have a very large impact on outcomes, so pay attention to the details. Your teammates celebrate the selflessness of a sacrifice and they lift you up even when you fail. In your darkest moments, when everything seems stacked against you, the most important thing you can do is to reach out and lift up one of your teammates. You can succeed only 30% of the time and still be a hero, so don't ever be discouraged by or fear failure.  Accept failure as a natural part of striving for and succeeding at difficult and worthwhile goals.  

You think the game is all about numbers and results. But then you discover that everyone around you has a deep, unspoken, almost spiritual belief in the mysticism of the game...they all wear their hats inside out in unison to 'will' a timely success by a teammate, or huddle together at one end of the dugout away from a teammate who's having a perfect game.  If someone hits you on purpose, disrespects you or the game, you can rest assured your teammates will soon deliver a 'reminder' to that someone that their actions DO have direct consequences. If you get into a fight with your opponent, you will be instantly surrounded and protected by ALL your teammates and coaches, regardless of whether they like you or not. 

And after you’re gone from the game, the examples you set—how hard work and unwavering commitment can overcome adversity, how to inspire your teammates through enthusiasm, dedication, and humility, and how to be humble in victory—have a far more profound and lasting impact on the life of a child than how many home runs you hit or how many batters you struck out.

Thanks for all the great memories and life lessons, Major League Baseball. Now my husband and I cheer together for our local team, the San Francisco Giants!

Getting organized: 10 tips for keeping the clutter at bay

Reducing clutter in your home is a daily commitment, from being more mindful of what we're bringing into the house to practicing that old adage, "a place for everything and everything in its place."

It's not always easy. Life takes over and we get busy...which is precisely when clutter takes over and we get buried.

But clutter and stress go hand in hand...we need plenty of clean, open space to breathe, to clear our minds, and to feel more motivated and inspired.

According to feng shui expert Karen Kingston... "Clutter is stuck energy. The word 'clutter' derives from the Middle English word 'clotter,' which means to coagulate...and that's about as stuck as you can get."

Here are 10 random tips for preventing some of the more typical clutter from getting too close for comfort:

1.  Place a recycling bin close to your mailbox and immediately toss the daily junk mail and sales ads so they never even make it into the house.

2.  Place decorative trays or baskets in the high-clutter zones as catch-alls...near the house phone, the coffee table, the nightstand, your desk, that table or counter closest to the front and back doors. When they get full, take a few minutes to sort, toss, or put away whatever's inside.

3.  If you have a multi-level home, keep a basket at the top of the stairs and another at the bottom to temporarily hold things that are upstairs but belong downstairs (and vice versa), so you can make fewer trips running up and down to put things away.

4.  Look for interesting recipes for "one-dish" meals to prepare more often to cut down on the dirty dishes.

5.  Save your receipts when you make purchases and don't be afraid of that twinge of buyer's remorse when it happens, even if it's several months later. If you don't need it or you haven't used it, just return it.

6.  Fold and/or hang your clothes right as you pull them out of the dryer. Not only will you have fewer wrinkles, the clothes are more likely to go directly to the bureau or closet instead of the sofa or bed.

7.  Assign one and only one credit card to use for any online, mail order or TV shopping you might do. Seeing all your transactions in one place makes it easier to spot when you're making too many impulse buys (either that or your credit limit will hit faster and shut you off, lol)

8.  Consider paying more bills online to reduce your snail mail and paper filing.

9.  Consider switching to online subscriptions for your favorite newspapers and magazines and save a few trees in the process.

10.  Give yourself just one "free space" in your house or garage to allow clutter to accumulate...the corner of a bedroom, one shelf unit, a drawer, a hall closet. When it gets full, then it's time to sort, toss, put away.

Polst and Molst: Is it a new beer?

A few days ago I asked the following on our Facebook page: "Do you know what a Polst or Molst is?" One of the responses I received was "Is it a new beer?" Nice try, Doug...but no, it is not a new beer.
T summarizes the patients’ wishes in the form of physician orders for end-of-life care. The POLST document is a standardized, portable, brightly-colored single page form which documents a conversation between a doctor and a seriously ill patient or their surrogate decision-maker. As a medical order, the POLST form is always signed by a doctor and, depending upon their state, the patient.
After the apparently newsworthy event in Southern California about the 87 year-old woman who was specifically not given CPR following her collapse, I decided it might be a good time to educate as many people as possible about the POLST and/or MOLST documents.

POLST stands for Physician Orders for Life Sustaining Treatment and MOLST stands for Medical Orders for Life Sustaining Treatment. 

Let's take a look at them...they are essentially the same thing.

From Wikipedia:  

Unlike advance directives, a POLS

One benefit of a POLST form over a standard Advance Directive is that the POLST form is designed to be actionable throughout an entire community. It is immediately recognizable and can be used by doctors and first responders (including paramedics, fire departments, police, emergency rooms, hospitals and nursing homes). POLST forms should be filled out for all patients with life-limiting illnesses or progressive frailty. A pragmatic rule for initiating a POLST can be if the clinician would not be surprised if the patient were to die within one year. 

POLST provides explicit guidance to health professionals under predictable future circumstances. POLST can build on an advance directive but can also function in the absence of an advance directive. If the individual lacks decisional capacity, a surrogate can engage in the conversation and the consent process that forms the basis of the POLST process. It is currently promoted in over 26 states through national and statewide initiatives.

So Dougie and all you other beer drinkers, it is time to get your POLST/MOLST buzz on!  ;-) 

Click here to see if your state is participating in the POLST program and download a form.

Preparing for loss...facing the future

In last week's Desert Sun News, there was an article from Maryeleanor, who recently lost her husband of 49 years, that really hit home. She described all the things they had done together as a couple to prepare for the inevitable, such as writing their wills and planning what kind of church service they'd want. 

Then she goes on to say that in the first three months after his death, she had 87 major issues to take care of without him, over 60 of which involved multiple complications. All the extra stress of these issues compounded her grief and completely overwhelmed her.

The number 87 seems like a lot, right? Nearly every single day of those first three months, she had to deal with something really important, that not only might her husband normally have handled, but the resources and information required to handle it were not at her disposal. Maybe it was a password that was only in his head, or bills that were in his name alone, or discovering there were no instructions anywhere for how to set the automatic lawn sprinklers. Surviving loss is hard enough emotionally without a logistical nightmare on top of it...when was Maryeleanor allowed the down-time she needed to adjust and grieve?

The article really expressed what is so valuable about Terry's workbook, Caring is Not Enough. There is just SO much more to think about then just funeral arrangements when someone you love is nearing the end of their life. Even if you're all young and healthy, you still have to be realistic about planning for a possible emergency too. Just caring about each other during a health crisis is not enough.

You all need to spend some time reviewing lots of details and thinking about all the "what if 's" and writing it all down somewhere. But once you can get past the discomfort of having such a conversation, then how in the world do you come up with possibly 87 different "what if 's?"

Terry's workbook has over 150 questions for families to consider and discuss during "the conversation." That's 150+ possible "what if 's" from legal to financial to household issues and more.

Sit down together and write as many answers as you can in the workbook. For questions you can't answer, you now have a handy list of issues to look into further. Tell the person who you want to take charge of things in your absence where the workbook is stored.

With this workbook, all the resources and information someone needs to get through those first few months are in one simple place. I know it's easy to keep thinking "oh there's time, I'll deal with all that later." But later might be too late. I don't want to make anyone in my family go through what Maryeleanor went through...do you?

Art journaling to quiet the monkey mind

Buddha described the human mind as being filled with drunken monkeys clamoring about. He said that our brains jump from thought to thought like monkeys jump from tree to tree. 

My monkey mind really kicks in at night, when I really should be getting to bed. But I start thinking about things I want to do, things I'm stressed about, things I'm excited about. 

Meditation is key...I learned how to practice zazen meditation and it takes a lot of practice to get the hang of it, but I like trying. The sleep experts say to avoid staring at the light of the TV or computer before bed, but my monkeys don't seem to care much about that. 

What I've found to work well for me right before lights-out is art journaling. Sometimes it's just doodling and jotting down words in non-sequitur fashion, sometimes it's more earnest or heartfelt drawing and writing. 

I don't necessarily try to be creative or artistic. I just try to empty my mind by extracting one or two thoughts from the jumble and thinking about how these thoughts makes me feel, how important are they? What words are forming these thoughts? What imagery comes to mind? 

The process of getting some of those monkeys out of the trees and down on to the paper feels good. The rest of my thoughts subside and my mind really quiets down. All I'm focused on for a nice, long stretch is just the letters, lines and colors coming from my pen, pencil or paintbrush. Then my mind is clear, I am relaxed, and I fall asleep quickly.

The steadfastness of orchids

Every year about this time, we see the emergence of flower stalks on our cymbidium orchids. How I love to sit in the living room and gaze out at the delicate flowers with their myriad of colors. They look so perfect as they rise up the stem. They last quite a long time, perhaps 2-3 months. Sometimes I will cut a stem, bring it inside and place it in a long slender vase. Perfect.

Flowering orchids remind me of me. Although these plants are tough...they seem to enjoy companionship. They like to be held tight in their pots with new shoots coming up around the older bulbs. They like to bloom on cue and offer spectacular displays. I try to bloom on cue and though the display may not be so spectacular, at least you know I am always there! Steady and earth mother. I love being around our children and their young families...all shoots coming from my husband and me. Tight within the nuclear family...everyone blooming in their different ways and showing the world their beauty.

What are your favorite flowers and how do you relate to them?